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This site was officially launched on 20.01.2000.

My Say...

07. 05. 2000 2pm S'pore Cloudy, humid
Ok, this page is "My Say". This page will be my diary or journal in which I will vent my frustrations, or jot down any little incidences that has happened to me, some experiences I have went through, and of course, my most intimate feelings. Don't really know if anyone would be interested anyway, but I DON'T REALLY CARE... !

Gotta get outta the house soon, or else I'll be late for my appointment again. Going to Asian Civilisation Museum. Now to get this uploaded before I leave.

11. 05. 2000 12 noon S'pore Unpredicatable
Mum is cooking lunch. FRIED RICE! Yummy! It's been a long time since I've had a home-cooked lunch, since there's almost always only 2 of us, mum says it's more economical to buy packet lunch than to cook for 2.

Had this bad feeling that the comp would break down any moment from now. Dunno why, the comp rebooted itself twice yesterday while I was online. Felt a chill down my spine whenever I think of the possible consequences of having to change a new hard disk and reinstalling everything from scratch! Shucks! :(

OVERTIME is showing tonight. 2nd last episode. 'Die-die' must watch...hehe...Love Takashi Sorimachi...he's so CUTE!

Lunch is ready! Gotta go for lunch. Tata.

19. 06. 2000 5:30pm S'pore Sunny
Well, I'm finally back from US! After 3 loooong weeks...sigh! Oh well, I was just homesick. I've been racking my brains lately regarding what I can do to 'commemorate' my trip. I had been too lazy (and yes, tired) to update my travel diary consistently while I was over there, so all I have now are fragments of my memory of the trip. Sure hope these are enough...

I've just finished watching all the video tapes of the shows my bro has taped down for me while I was away, so I'm a bit dazed now. Pardon me if my words don't make much sense (since when has it does, anyway??? hehe...)... Hmm, I discovered that green tea with honey is really nice! Yummy... Shall try it chilled next time... :)

Okie, gotta go do some serious stuff. Any ideas how to?? :P

19. 07. 2000 12 mn S'pore What do u think? Midnight leh!
School's finally reopened, and I've been feeling very tired this week. Perhaps I've not fully adjusted to school life yet. Still in holiday mode. Today I felt so grumpy. Felt really tired and frustrated. Every little thing seems to get on my nerves. Urghh!

Went to hunt for something today after school. And finally managed to find it. I was so jubilant then! : )

Gotta read notes from presentation. Tomorrow long day ahead. Sigh... what to do?

03. 08. 2000 12 mn S'pore Ya lar, it's midnight again!
Don't you wish that sometimes things could just go your way, just as you want them to? Something which I thought would have worked out did not work out afterall. Perhaps I was imagining everything I thought was happening. Maybe the feeling was all wrong. Oh well, maybe maybe. Anyway, closure means closure. So no more mentioning of that incident again.

My pc crashed recently... Changed a new harddisk; and later, a new RAM. Spent quite some $$ on my pc. But anyway, money is not really the big issue here. The BIG thing was the emotional 'trauma' I had to go through during this time of crisis. It might sound ridiculous, but my pc is so important to me, I really felt totally lost when it crashed! Now that it has been reborned, I must take good care of it to avoid another crash.

Honours is not as easy as some people make it out to be. Well at least I don't find it a breeze at all. Wonder which are the idiots who said that honours is easy??? Some concepts are like Greek and Latin to me! Totally had me dumbfounded. Gosh! Think I must start learning how to 'k' my books and notes from now on. But for a start, can anyone tell me how not to fall asleep while I'm reading my notes?? :P

14. 11. 2000 3 pm S'pore Rain, with thunder
Today I overslept. And so I was still in bed when I was supposed to be in school. And I think SC was really angry. Dun blame her, coz' if I were her, I would probably have shouted right into the phone! Now I only hope she can forgive me.

After one semester of hard work, this semester's finally came to a close. I am enjoying some free time doing nothing at home now (well, maybe with the exception of using my fingers to type and to click the mouse, of course). Thinking of things that I have to do for this hols. There's a lot of reading to be done for my thesis, and lots of hard thinking to do, of course. Am a bit apprehensive about the relevance of my data. Dun quite know what I can say about it.

A sudden loud clap of thunder nearly made me jump. Think I'd better stop and switch off the pc now.

08. 12. 2000 11:30 pm S'pore Humid
Just got some feedback from a couple of friends to write more. So I'm writing more now. Not that I don't wanna write more actually... sometimes those creative juices just doesn't flow. And I think I'm suffering from a crisis right now. Duh.

Say, if you haven't caught it yet, go watch "Overtime" (a japanese drama starring Takashi Sorimachi and Esumi Makiko), it's a beautiful one! The theme song "I believe" by Yuko Yamaguchi is so rousing...

Dec is a really broke month for me. No doubt it's the hols, but I've got so many friends who have birthdays in December, and on top of Christmas celebrations and all, I'm left with little $$ to spend (let alone save), really. Wanted to go for a short holiday actually, but I guess plans have to be cancelled, due to a lack of companionship. Maybe one day, I shall try travelling alone. : ) Ok, ok, it's just a maybe.

I'm gonna try to write something longer and better (more insightful), but not now, coz' the time's not ripe yet. But it will definitely come before Christmas (hopefully), latest by end of 2000. So friends, look out for it! *grins*

15. 12. 2000 5:30 pm S'pore Cool
I don't like to take things for granted. I never do. That's why i always wear my heart upon my sleeve, i guess. I have been advised not to, but up till this point in time, I still see no point in hiding my feelings. You would say it's dangerous, exposing my feelings for all to see like that. But I really want all my friends and loved ones to know how I feel, esp. how much I care for them. Most of all, to me, it's a way of telling those that I love that I haven't taken them for granted at all, that i still care, that i miss them, etc. When I miss them, I want to let them know that I do. I hate to hide my feelings, really, coz' you never know when you'll get the chance to reveal your feelings again.

To me, each and every feeling and emotion I have are so unique and special that it'll be such a waste to hide them. A basic emotion such as anger could well be manifested differently, with varying degrees of intensity. So, how could feelings ever be the same? And if they're not all the same, doesn't that justify their expression? One single thing that distinguishes us humans from all others on earth is that we have emotions. We have the ability to feel for things. If we suppress this innate ability, why do we want to call ourselves 'humans' at all? We could call ourselves 'robots' instead, I reckon.

I want to be able to laugh whenever I want to, to cry whenever I feel like it; to be true to myself, to my own feelings. Thus far, I've more or less been able to do this, but I'm increasingly feeling the pressure not to, for the simple reason that people dun care as much anymore. All too often, I found myself stumbling upon some people who are not appreciative of the expressive side of me. I dunno if it's juz some misunderstanding on my part. It's just a hunch, but it sure was enough to upset me. I thought feelings are such beautiful things. Helen Keller said this, "The most beautiful things in the world can't be seen or even heard.  They have to be felt with the heart". How true! It is the feelings that one feels that are the most beautiful. Have u ever been so deeply touched by something or someone that it makes u wanna cry? The tears have not fallen because of sadness, they have fallen for something so beautiful that it was beyond description. No other things in this world could express the feeling you've felt at that instant, except for your tears, I suppose. And anyway, it seems like a stimulus-response kind of thing. You cry whenever you feel touched, don't u? Crying seems to be a default reaction for those touched. Have u ever wondered why?

Juz some food for thot. Digest well. *grins*

23. 12. 2000 11 pm S'pore Slight drizzle, cool
Well, as 'promised', here's my 'insightful' and 'philosophical' piece *grins* = )

It's that time of the year again to reminisce about the past and to plan and look forward to the year ahead, or even further into the future. Lately I've been going through all the cards that friends have sent me, and I realised one thing. Things have changed over the years. I've made new friends; I've lost touch with some old ones, etc. Makes me wonder if things ever last. Is there a 'constant' in this world? Well, the answer is a resounding yes! The only constant in this world is change.

It should not be a difficult point to justify, at least not for those who have a slight idea of how the world functions. Everyday, the earth is rotating and moving along an elliptical path in the universe; it never stops moving, but its position in the vast universe, amongst other planets, is constantly changing. So here, we have both a change and a constant coexisting simultaneously. The heart never stops beating, but each and every heartbeat is slightly different from the other, depending on what one is doing at each moment. Humans age and die; new ones get born - it is a constant process of change or what you would call, evolution (think Darwinian's theory). And even as I am penning down my thoughts in my notebook now, the blank spaces are slowly being filled up (yes, it's a change) while my pen is slowly being depleted of ink (another change). Think you get my point. Period.

So you may ask, what is it about change anyway? Well, the truth is, I dunno. Honestly, I dun. Just that this has been bugging me for a while lately, and I've actually been meditating on this issue (instead of my thesis...oh my god!) for some time now. I get this feeling of despondency whenever I recount all my previous encounters with major changes in my life. My grandparents leaving this world and entering into the next, my next-door-neighbour whom we've known for at least 10 years moving away, etc. It's quite disarming initially. But then again, I can't say that I hate changes coz' I believe that life without change is boring. It's too predictable, isn't it? Life is actually beautiful because of its unpredicatability. An irony I suspect of humans is that we don't know how to appreciate life's unpredictablity and get all upset when changes happen. Why do I say that? Well, just look at how we try to take charge of our lives by making predictions on things that have yet to happen. We listen to weather forecasts and leave our umbrellas behind if the forecast says it's gonna be bright and sunny whole day long. We keep an organiser or diary so that we can be reminded of future dates or appointments that we should keep; so that we know what's gonna happen to us, say, later this week or something. Well, I'm not saying that predictions are bad. They're good, coz' they often help in decision making. They make our lives a lot more easier and systematic (and boring?). I'm just thinking if only we can break out of this monotonous cycle of extrapolating into the future which we have been doing for the whole of our lives, what a nice and refreshing change it would be! Just imagine yourself waking up one fine day without having to worry about appointments to keep, things to do, etc.

Which leads me to the next point of what actually constitutes the 'PRESENT'. If we keep on making predictions, we are not living in the PRESENT, we are living in the FUTURE. In fact, we'll only be living for the predictions we make! And the dangerous bit about this is, when our predictions do not turn out the way we had anticipated, we get disappointed. We could have avoided this disappointment if we stop living in the future. I dunno if I can get this point across as clearly as I want to, but the truth is, if we can all try to live in the PRESENT (not in the PAST nor the FUTURE), we'll all be at our happiest. Enjoy each moment you're spending time doing something, be it on your work, your hobby, or simply doing nothing by yourself, coz' this is the only moment that's REAL. This is the precious PRESENT.

Just as much as I am enjoying each moment as I'm typing away on my keyboard, I hope that you, dear readers, can cherish each moment of the precious present. I've benefitted greatly from this key to happiness (thanks to the person who has given me a book called "The Precious Present"), and I'm hoping that by sharing this with you, you can benefit from it too. Maybe I didn't sound too convincing, but do give this some thought, meditate on it, and hey, maybe you'll realise that it's true afterall! Or better still, go read that book. You should be able to find it in most Christian shops or gift shops like Cards N Such. May you find happiness real soon.

Merry Christmas!

09.01.2002 5:47pm S'pore Cool
I’ve always preferred the night to day. I do enjoy the day, of course.  Afterall, it’s daytime now.  Afterall, sunshine does remind us that we live in a world where the happiest miracles still happen. The warm sunshine, the sounds of people going about their daily activities, the hustle and bustle of LIFE.  But there’s nothing I look forward to than retreating into the night. The peace and serenity, the coolness of the night breeze, the quietness of solitude. Even the sounds of occasional raindrops on my window panes seem musical!  This is the best time of the day to do things with total abandon, free from all distractions. *smiles *

The simplest things in life make me happy – a bowl of piping hot soup, freshly laundered clothes that still smell of detergent, a good book, nice soulful music, a stroll in the gentle breeze, spending time with my friends and family, daydreaming…  However, there is still nothing that beats having someone special whom I can totally relate to.  Someone who shares my outlook of life – to live life to the fullest, to enjoy every moment that life brings and to appreciate what life has to give.  He is probably someone who is open, intuitive and perceptive, energetic and passionate about life, and has a vision for something better.

If you see eye-to-eye with me, drop me a line!

14.02.2002 2:47am S'pore Cool & Windy
Had this sudden urge to write. Was thinking about my new year resolutions, and I realised I didn't make any this year. But according to the lunar calendar, a brand new year has just begun. This is the year of the Horse. So I guess it's still not too late to make my resolutions, eh? *grins* But the topic for the day isn't about what my resolutions are gonna be (But of course! Who will be interested anyway?!?).

Are resolutions meant to be kept? Coming from a linguistic background, naturally, the first thing that came to my mind was to consult a dictionary and next, a thesaurus (and yes, I know what you are thinking). According to The Little Oxford Dictionary (7th Edition), a resolution is a "resolute temper or character; thing resolved on; formal expression of opinion of meeting...". Not very helpful. Let's see whether the Collins English Mini Thesaurus can help. Accordingly, a resolution is also an aim, a decision, a declaration, a determination, an intent, and an intention, just to name a few. Hence, I figured that a resolution must be something that you set out to do or achieve, with determination and conviction. It is something like a goal, so to speak.

In a game of football, you aim for the goalpost so that you can score more goals and win the game. In a game of meaningful existence, you aim for the goals that you set out to achieve, and you make sure you achieve them so that your life becomes meaningful. Unlike the game of football in which victory is only a matter of scoring the most goals, the victor in the game of meaningful existence is not one who achieves the most goals, for even the goals themselves cannot be substantiated in tangible, material terms. How do we decide whether a person has achieved the goal of happiness? Or filial piety? Or frugality? Can we really quantify them? Is 'victory' a relevant term to use here in the first place? I guess not. In the game of meaningful existence, there is neither victory nor defeat. There is only hope and hopelessness.

So, are resolutions meant to be kept? This is a rhetorical question. Our commonsense and knowledge of the English Language tell us that resolutions are meant to be kept, or we shouldn't be setting resolutions in the first place. Hence, the question we should be asking ourselves is, "Do we keep our resolutions?" I won't go into this, coz' the answer is only for ourselves to know. However, I would just like to end this entry here by expressing what I truly feel in the following line:

Whether or not we keep our resolutions, they are a source of hope and inspiration in our, otherwise, meaningless lives.

"The most beautiful things in the world can't be seen or even heard. They have to be felt with the heart."

Copyright Renee's Realm. 2000.